As we all know, when something goes bad in the fridge it starts to get moldy, gross, and becomes pungent. Failed relationships and long distance “relationships” are kind of like that old chia squeeze in your fridge, that had an expiration date of 2 months ago. You have been avoiding that deep clean for months, and now you need gloves and a mask to get it out without gagging.
I fall victim to putting off those deep cleans in my freezer and fridge. Those missed ingredients of the “healthy” crash diet I started, and failed 2 days in. They sit and expire in the back of my fridge for weeks, every once and a blue moon.
Recently I officially ended a long term “on again, off again” love affair with an ex-boyfriend (I’ll call him R.) from 3 years ago. Looking back now I know it had been past the expiration date for quite a while. I was so determined to not have my time have been a waste, or I kept assuming he would fix certain pet peeves and lack of effort, but it never changed. Alas, when R. informed me he would never co-parent with my childs father, and would avoid even having an introduction, that was the final straw. As all mothers, especially single moms know, our children are our utmost priority. I expect my future husband cheering along side me, AND her biological dad at her soccer games, ballet recitals, birthdays, holidays etc. Families are so vitally important, and your child should never have to ask why their daddy’s don’t like each other, or why they’re not both at her daddy daughter dance.
Even though this was the big deal breaker for me,over the years we were having multiple arguments, little blow ups over minimal and more serious issues. We had not been in the same state as each other for 3 years. I had met him my first year of college. When we broke up the first time, I slept with an old guy friend one afternoon and accidently got pregnant. That mistake turned into a lifelong bestfriend/daughter. Me and R. had stayed in touch because it was unclear if it was his child, or my friends due to the timeline of the break up.
Fast forward to my daughter not being his biologically, now we’ve been talking those what if’s for 9 months, and are pretty attached to the idea of each other, regardless of paternity. So we go on for another 2 1/2 years texting, occasionally calling, I fly out to Hawaii to see him once, a year after I had left. The very first day after bringing e to my Air BnB, we get into an argument and he decides not to see me for the rest of my trip. So we spend some time not talking and get back in touch and play this “Love me, Love me not” game all the way up until now. I genuinely belive the man loved me, and I loved him, and will always hold this place in my heart for him. However, I knew the spark had died months after I left the Island. With the spark, had left the efforts R. made, and the things that eventually started being warning signs of an expiration date. Which brings me to my little list of things to watch for in a difficult on and off relationship. Consider this my how-to know when to do a deep clean and move on to the things that bring you joy instead of frustration and an odd stench that lingers.
Expired Lover Symptoms and Signs:
-Not willing to visit you, or coordinate you visiting them
-You try to send them a gift for their birthday and they shrug it off and never give you their address
-Says he doesn’t like FaceTime or calling (He may do it occasionally to satisfy your nagging but at the end of the day you see your Gyno more often than him)
-You offer to move after your gradutation but situations keep arising that would prevent it on his end (Again, can be legit, but if he’s not actively talking with you to rectify them it’s a warnign sign)
-Instead of listening to your frustrations about communication, the distance and your worries, he turns them around on you and tells you you’re acting crazy. Or he says he will work on it, and goes back to sometimes not texting for 3 days at a time.
-When you guys do talk, it’s at night, and usually the conversation, catch up on your day, small talk and interesting conversations get shorter, and requests for sexting and other things get more frequent and more dominating of any contact you guys have.
The biggest sign things are not going to work:
-Ya’ll are adults and neither of you have made the initiative or time to see each other (againt it even that one time was for a couple hours) in person in TWO YEARSSSSS. Or be “personal” in Three.
Moral of the story, Kiara was a little dumb-dumb blinded by fantastically sculpted Jamaican genes. Honestly, I was so caught up in how amazing he made me feel, and the effort he put in when we were both living in Hawaii. I kept convincing myself things would’nt be an issue once we were close again.
So if things don’t feel right anymore, you’re arguing more than you’re laughing together, or the time that you do spend together is rushed and turning into that one sophmore year fuck buddy you had, you need to re-evaluate. I’m sorry, but that relationship has expired.It is fucking difficult deciding to leave something that has been a warm blanket over your lonliness for so long. You deserve better. That goes for men and women alike. When you’re with the right person things just fall into place. Love flows, effort is effortless and you want to make those big moves, and big gestures, and long conversations. All of my married friends and family members are married to their best friends. They find their connection effortless. That’s not to say their relationships don’t take work to maintain, but the core of what they are together is easy, you fit that person like a puzzle piece. It has the same general design but individual differences that compliment each other.
Have you ever been in a relationship where you should’ve let go earlier? Any warning signs you overlooked, and look back on now?
Let me know in the comments!
Kiara Lynn Willis 