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A train wreck of a day.

Yesterday has to have been one of the outright worst days I’ve had in quite a while. It started relatively normal, woke up, dropped my 3 year old off at my parents for the weekend since i had to work saturday/sunday, then head to work after my hour of driving. Work was extremely slow, and anyone who knows me knows i do not do well with idle thumbs, but i powered through and get out to my car to go run home.

It was shaping up to be a full day, one of my best friend’s kids had a birthday party, so i had to run home, change take the dog out to go potty, and grab a present from Target, then at 8 i had a date planned with my new roommates kinda cute brother who i’d been flirting with for 2 weeks now.

So I get out to my car in the parking garage and as I’m reversing i hear this loud scratching sound so i pull back over and look under my car, great i had hit the parking space curb thingy and it had finally broken off the plastic under my car and was now dragging. I don’t have any way to fix it and I’m already late for the birthday party so I just roll up my tinted windows and pray no one I know see’s/hear’s me. Of course I tell my cute guy I have a date with and he replies “oh i can fix that for you, looking forward to tonight!”. So I run home do what i need to and go to my friends party. When i get there we all exchange pleasantries and i start dishing on all the latest in the dating world as most of my friends are with long term partners and also have kids. I’m telling them all about how i have a date with my roommates brother, and he’s kinda cute and I’m pumped and what not. As I start mentioning his name one of the friends who i was meeting for the first time today, asks me to see his picture. This is not the most reassuring thing when someone has that look of recognition on a name of a new beau.

So I whip out my phone and start showing them his face book, and picture, and she looks at me astonished and says “that’s my best friends husband…”. Now he had told me previously at a movie night that he had been married but he was very clear he was LEGALLY Divorced, so I say oh like right now wife, he had mentioned he was divorced. She says “no like right now wife, like I was supposed to go to his kids birthday party that’s right now, where he is with his wife and their kids and their church, and she shows me the pictures they had just posted at this church child’s party looking cozy. So of course we all start freaking out, and i tell her to call the wife, because I’m a firm believer that if you’re going to cheat, you need to get caught. and apparently he has been doing this to her for yearsssss, multiple women, sometimes even picking him up from their shared house. They start going on about he’s a POS, he hasn’t even paid the bills in months (he had told me she never lets him see his kids, and he pays her all this money every month..). How he told his wife, he had to work after his kids party (when he was actually coming to pick me up for a date). So we invite her over after she bitches him out in the car on the way home, and we share screenshots, and at this point he’s still blowing her phone up saying I’m just some crazy bitch, with a horrible personality keeping him from his kids. I was “beautiful” and he “was praying for me, and his future” earlier before he was caught but whatever. Let me tell you, thank god, i swerved his kiss attempt when we had a movie night and all i did was cuddle a little on the couch the week before.

Thank GOD I found out before the date, and didn’t waste any more time, money, kissing or sex on that “man”.

So my day is ruined, his wife’s day is ruined to say the least, although she was nice and honestly kept apologizing to me about her “dick for everybody husband” as she would say. So I go home at like 8:30 hungry and dateless, get home to find my dog has opened one of the garage storage tubs and spilled potting soil all over the garage. I go take him out and run over to Taco bell for some burritos to make me happy and less hungry, come home and hear water running, so i go check up stairs and the chain to the flusher in my roommates bathroom has rusted and broken off, so there i am, dirty, exhausted having the worst day and fixing the toilet as well knowing now I’m going to have to buy new parts. Once i have it temporarily looped so the water will stop refilling every 5 minutes, i go down pour myself a VERY stiff drink of rum and strawberry kiwi Snapple. Head over to the couch and place my drink on my ottomans little tray. get distracted trying to keep the dog off something and spill my drink all over the ottoman and the carpet. All that rum wasted.

I break down crying lmao it’s just been too stressful of a day for me. SO there I am crying over spilt rum, grabbing towels to try and pat everything dry, and this time i just pout like 8 oz of rum in the cup and a splash of the juice and sit down, eat all my burritos, drink over half of the rum, and watch sex and the city until the drinking settles in and i fell asleep probably at fucking 10:30 pm, after a quick shower (and a quick water pressure orgasm), half naked and alone again having to wake up at 7 am on a Sunday the next day to go back to work.

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So FYI, if you meet a man named Tico, in Salem, Oregon, he’s a scrub, avoid at all cost.

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Is long-term boyfriend the new husband?

In the dating world, I definitely have met my fair share of guys (not just young ones), who are pretty adamant that they did not want to be married. Personally, I believe in marriage, I understand that many aspects of marriage are more difficult now due to external factors but I still crave it. It’s a growing trend to want to be exclusively dating someone for 5+ years but have no desire or timeline to ever getting officially married. Why is this? Is this the new Norm? Is marriage simply old – fashioned except for the select few that still want it? What is the science telling us?

Marriage historically was done for financial gain through arranged marriages for status or peace or monetary reasons. According to an article in The Week, the first recorded evidence of a marriage between one man and one woman was around 2340 B.C., and at the time, the idea of marriage was to improve the ability to prove your children were your heirs. Essentially, marriage was the OG baby daddy test. It wasn’t until roughly the 13th century that the idea of marrying for love became more popular, with articles and poets starting to rise up in the forefront talking about love (which was interpreted via more sexual arousal/signs). Marriage continued to be largely based on status and money, and due to women not having an ability to own/work/vote in these times. It wasn’t until really the 1900’s that women really ha the choice to chose for themselves, starting to be able to work, go to college for themselves. In the 50’s winning the right to vote, and really starting to see women push into the work force in more quantity. God forbid you like someone outside of your race, when in the 1960’s it was finally de-criminalized to have an interracial marriage in the south. As millennial’s and more recent generations, these feel as though they are ancient history sometimes, yet this was when many of our parents were being born, and the lifestyles many of our grand-parents were raised in.

Bringing this back to current events, steadily since the 1960’s the rates of people 25 and older that have never been married has been rising. in 1960 it was only 1 in 10, now it has doubled, being 20% of the american’s age 25 and older have never been married and the rates are up to 36% in black populations in America. So is marriage going out of style?

The most common rationales for not marrying I have experienced is a fear of divorce,(whether its from childhood or a bad 1st marriage), and feeling as though monogamy is overrates or boring . Were going to talk about them both.

  1. Fear of divorce: With the current divorce rates being around 41% for all first marriages, it’s reasonable to fear divorce. However cohabiting couples had a separation rate five times that of married couples and a reconciliation rate that was one-third that of married couples. Although the divorce rate is high, there is no guarantee that simply being in a long term relationship will prove to be more likely that you will successfully be with someone. The chances of having a successful marriage do increase if you have less sexual partners, and get married after 25 but before mid 30’s. I think one of the ways to combat this fear of divorce is to pay attention to research, seek couples counseling if you’re struggling, and always make sure to make time for open communication and sex.
Photo by Artem Beliaikin on Pexels.com
  1. Monogamy is overrated: Another fair point, throughout history and well before the first documented marriages people have been having polygamous relationships. According to a study done in 2013 and then repeated in 2018 by Conley and associates found that when monogamous couples and consensually non-monogamous couples (CNM) such as an open relationship and polygamists, there were some differences. CNM couples in open relationships reported lower levels of relationship quality, and equal levels of sexual frequency/orgasms and satisfaction to monogamist counterparts. Those in polyamorist relationships reported higher levels of relationship quality, sexual frequency and satisfactions, but equal rates of orgasm when compared to monogamist couples. Although within the relationship it seems monogamy may not be necessary, outside of that relationship there are significant dis-advantages. Social perceptions of CNM relationships are typically negative, and people engaged in polyamorist/open relationships are viewed to be less committed, and less trustworthy. This can also affect familial relationships. In a study by Balzarini and colleagues in 2017, they showed in these relationships where there is a secondary partner, the secondary partner typically has more sexual activity than the primary does. This means, the open relationship typically looks like a couple and the man obtains another girlfriend, the primary couple have better communication, and are accepted more by society, whereas the secondary couple (the new girlfriend and the partner) typically have more sex.

It should be noted, only 4-5% of American’s are in CNM relationships (polygamy or open relationships). Monogamy is still the norm.

How does this affect my views on marriage?

I still believe in marriage. I Understand that the odds are not necessarily for me, I’ve had my fair share of sexual partners, I have a child out of wedlock, I’m currently in the younger demographic (although I don’t foresee getting married in the next few years). I’ve always been a bit of an optimist. i had amazing parents with a strong marriage growing up, while also getting to see my aunts and uncles also have successful marriages. i was blessed in that way, because it did not sour my point of view. I have seen my fair share of unhealthy relationships in my friends families, my friends relationships and even my own. I think this understanding and knowledge and doing your own research is very important to having accurate and appropriate expectations. One of my good guy friends has been married and divorced, and something we debate frequently is this. One thing he said does ring true to me, that people expect things to change once you get married. This expectation of roses and butterflies and suddenly he will be a perfect husband and you get to be the perfect wife is what i think a lot of people end up struggling with. You’re marrying that person flaws and all, expect to be treated the way you were treated in your relationship. the only thing that is changing is an understanding between you two that you are committing for life. this means if anything it will be harder. you’ll have to listen more, respect each other more, and communicate more.

I think marriage is a beautiful thing, but people have to be picky. Don’t get married too early because you’re head over heels. It may just be just lust and loneliness driving you. However on the flip side, it shouldn’t take you 5-10 years to figure it out, if you don’t know you want to spend your life with someone after a year or two, you might never feel that way. Love yourself, and know yourself, and get a bit more financially secure first. Allow yourself time to be young, act wild, travel, find your career so when you meet that someone and they’re at the same place as you, you are both ready. Have difficult conversations re: kids/where you want to live, how you want to live, religion, money. These differences and arguments tend to be the most common that lead to divorce. Have sex, and find someone who matches you sexually. Don’t be a sex crazed person marrying someone who only likes to have sex once a week after a romantic dinner. Know your partners love language, and don’t stop romancing and appreciating the person you’re with.

Is the long-term boyfriend the new husband? It depends on your partner and what you want in a relationship. Don’t settle because you think you’ve found the one. Communicate what you want and if your partner never wants to be married, and you really do, then you need to break up. Studies show divorce rates are high, but long term cohabiting couples, still break up more than their married counterparts. CONSENSUALLY non-monogamous couples can sometimes have better relationships, and almost always have more sex, so if the only quality you care about is frequency of sex, maybe that lifestyle is for you (this does not mean cheating on your partner).

In a final note: It’s 100% okay to marry people for money or status, ancestors have been doing it for thousands of years, long before the idea of marriage for love. However, don’t trick people into marrying you. Be honest, be friends, and studies have shown that love in arranged marriages tends to grow over time. If that’s something you’re wanting, then go for it, as long as your partner has the same understanding within your relationship.

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Fetish me baby.

A fetish is something that brings sexual arousal/gratification from something that is at an abnormal degree. Fetishes are consistently a butt of a joke, or something whispered as a secret, but in reality Fetishes are becoming more and more popular, or less and less secret. This blog post is about the strangest fetish I have encountered. Comment below your strangest encounters and if I get at least 4 comments my next post will discuss them all.

My most active dating experiences definitely occurred when i lived in Hawaii my freshman year of college, it was my first time living out on my own, there were plenty of attractive guys between colleges around me and military bases so i actually got to date. Since then my dating life has definitely slowed down a lot due to school and having a child. There was probably one experience while in Hawaii that I came across someone with a legitimately strange fetish.

My experience with a actually strange fetish was with a guy I had just started to date. For the sake of anonymity, I’ll call him the Poet since he loved to write and was a bit of a “tortured soul”. Me and the Poet had probably dated for maybe 1-2 weeks. We went out on a couple dates during that time, met off a dating site but both went to University of Hawaii so we were hanging out almost every night. So it was about 2 1/2 weeks in we were hangin out at his dorm, a little kissy kissy, playing card games, cuddling. We had like a “so what turns you on” talk. So he starts talking about how he’s an ass guy, (surprise surprise, I knew this I have a booty so obvi), and he make me promise not to laugh or tell anyone. I’m convinced it’s going to be something stupid and irrelevant so of course I’m like “don’t worry I won’t, just share with me”.

Let me just pause for a second and draw a picture of this man to help give you a picture. So he is a pretty guy in the face, around 6’2, idk how much he weighs but this dude is bigger, 6 pack, big arms, couple tattoos, very attractive chocolate man.

The poet turns to me and says ‘ Well you know how I like ass, my fetish is i love it when someone is riding my face and they fart in it.”.

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When I tell you I am very rarely at a loss for words, I mean it. I. Was. Speechless. We probably hung out 1-2 more times after that, i try not to be judgmental (plus dude was super hot) but i did make it quite clear that was not going to be something I was into. I did ask him what was it that made it so attractive to him, and he told me “It’s just cause I love ass so much, it’s just the ultimate experience of ass, I want to be suffocated and just inhale it.”. Our little flirtation ended one night, not long after when we were cuddling/making out and the Poet got very angry that I hadn’t slept with him yet, he was standing up yelling at me that if I wasn’t going to put out to get the hell out, it was 2 am and I walked my lil fat ass home freaked out. I do not know if it was roid rage or anger that after he had ditched me on an earlier date for another chick but either way I was 100% out at that point.

A couple weeks later, his relationship status was Taken, and I saw him and his girlfriend (I was cuter, ya already know) walking around campus the rest of the year and every time I saw him my heart skipped a little cause the Poet had really scared me that night.

One thing kept in my mind as the school year went on and they continued to be in a relationship the rest of the year and i could not help butt wonder, was she farting in his face every night with a smile on her face…… They say everyone has an equal out there, I guess the Poet and his fetish did too.

Moral of the story is dating is comedy and the world is a strange place.

Comment below the strangest things you’ve heard or experienced while dating someone new. If i get 4 responses my next post will be discussing them.

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How to go out: A guide to the different ways you can approach the club scene.

If we’ve dated in the past, this blog post is probably not something you want to read. This is about club life, my experiences and the 3 different ways to go out in Portland. This is a culmination of my (slightly limited) personal experiences in Portland, Oregon. For those that are new here, I recently turned 21 in August of last year. I have a very delicate balance between trying to make sure i get to experience my 20’s while also being a single mom, and working. One thing that was important to me was getting to go out and experience clubs while in my 20’s. Luckily, my new job has a rotating schedule where about once a month I work on a weekend, and my daughter will have a sleepover at my parents due to daycare not running over weekends. This gave me an opportunity to get to go out on the town a few times in the past 6 months.

A few key points of note which affect my club experiences: I’m a thicker woman so I’m not everyone’s cup of tea, not your average cute thin chick so I probably get hit on a bit less than some of my friends i go out with as I am a specific type. I am much more of a to-boy so even when I’m going out 90% of the time I’m wearing (Cute/Stylish) Sneakers and some lil ensemble that shows off my ass but is more than likely pants lol. There are essentially three ways you can go out to a club.

There are essentially 3 different types of night out, all look a bit differently.

  1. Going out with a girl posse
  2. Going out with your man (exclusive or otherwise)
  3. Going out by yourself

My tips:

  1. Make friends with every bouncer/club promoter you meet. Be nice, never cause big issues, and playfully flirt (don’t full on come on to them though)
  2. If you have DJ friends, go out the night they’re DJing, for one, you have a safe person you know is there in case some insane shit goes done, and secondly, you know the music is gonna be good, also, ya know, support ya homies.

Going out with the girls:

Photo by cottonbro on Pexels.com

Undeniably the most popular, going out with your girls. Many women feel this is the best way to go out because of multiple reasons. The main reasons being, you have support for any situation, if people are creepy, or you don’t find a suitable “dance partner” and likely, you already know you’re going to have a good night because these are your girls.

There are some cons that sometimes happen when out with the girls. Difference in opinions/time management are the biggest. Not all girls, even best friends, have the same taste. This can be in music, favorite bars, and guys, and if your in Portland especially this is important to note as the clubs downtown are a bit segregated in music and ethnicity. Best tip is to have a plan set before you go out, agree on 1 or 2 clubs you all are cool with hitting and be considerate/understanding if your friends want to switch even if your having a good time. Also understand sometimes a weird dynamic ensues where one or two of your girls start dancing with guys, and your the odd one out, either buck up and grab some dude to dance with or just fuck it up on your own nearby.

Going out with a guy (boyfriend or other):

Photo by Inga Seliverstova on Pexels.com

There comes a time in life when your dating someone/in a relationship but you still want to go out and have a good time. This is where taking your man out clubbing may come into play. I actually took my ex-boyfriend out a while ago after our relationship had ended but during the transitional period where we had made up and were flirty but not together again. Going out with a partner is a very different experience. For one, you can’t really shamelessly flirt your way out of cover charges or into VIP’s like i normally would. You have to be more creative if you don’t want to pay for annoying cover charges. For instance, when i typically go out i do have a favorite club, i know the DJ and love his music, and am friendly with the bouncers and the people watching is pure comedy. Dirty Nightclub is probably one of my favorites, with a close second being Shake. My secret is to bring the promoter hot coffee and he let me and my mans in for freeeeee. $3 coffee and a couple block walk vs. $25 worth of cover charges between my man and I. i will and it it was nice to not have to dance alone at all that night. I took my mans out so I paid as a treat that night, but if its the other way around and your man is taking you out, then that means free drinks and free D at the end of the night (keep it consensual folks).

Going out Aloneeee:

Photo by Matan Segev on Pexels.com

My personal favorite, going out by yourself. Quite a few of the girlfriends i have or people i meet are honestly a bit afraid of going out Solo, but i personally think it’s the best experience.

Here are my reasons:

1. Your choice 100% of the night. You can go to whatever bar, switch whenever, and dance with whomever you want all night long. If you want to just grab a drink and your favorite song and be in bed by 1130, great! If you want to go out all night and take a walk with your slice of pizza and your buzz and not crawl into bed until 3 am, awesome! No one is offering their opinions or complaining when you want to stay.

2. You can flirt/ get in everywhere. There is only one of you, so your not tied down by a guy who may block you from getting into the packed clubs, and you can flirt your way into a lot of clubs for free or VIP’s by just having a good rapport with bouncers/when someone you know is DJing. Or even if your just a sly little ninja, it’s easier to sneak into VIP’s and the better areas because your by your self or can say your friend just went in and forgot you. More often than not, when your being nice and flirty about it, it works.

3. Friends and free drinks! When you’re not in a posse, guys are going to think your more approachable. Random girls are going to be more friendly. When you’re on your own and not in a girl posse or even with a guy friend, guys are thinking its safer to approach you. They don’t have to deal with being embarrassed in front of a bunch of other girls if you turn them down and to our advantage they see you as an “easy target” because your alone and are maybe “lonely” oh boo hoo. Also if your like me and sometimes your friends are a little better at dressing up and flirting, no one is cock blocking/ competing. There has also never been a time i have gone out alone where I don’t meet the coolest girls, when your by yourself it’s easier to get invited into other friend groups for the night or VIP booths because they see you enjoying yourself and confidently going out alone. There’s a reason people also say confidence is attractive. And what is more confident than being a bad ass chick out and about, doing you.

Cons: You do have a little less support. In the event of weird people and creepy scenarios, you don’t have your girls to back you. However, if you already always watching your drink being made, you don’t drink to intoxication, and are generally not a naive dumb ass, you’ll be fine. Be nice to the bouncers/security and 9/10 times they will look out for you. I once saw a DJ throw on the lights and start cussing out a guy at a club, over the microphone because he noticed some creepy shit going down with a girl that had clearly had a bit too much. Especially at the clubs in Portland, they’re packed but they’re small enough that people notice creepy shit going on. This rule does not necessarily carry over if your out in Vegas/ NYC or LA, some of those clubs are giant and too big to police. Always be your own advocate, there’s no point in drinking so much you’re intoxicated, be safe, and you can 100% have an amazing time.

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Chocolate Cupcakes with Almond/Vanilla Buttercream

A sweet turn on a classic flavor combination. Simple, yet sure to wow when people find out they are homemade.

This recipe makes approx 20-24 cupcakes.

Cupcake Ingredients:

  • 2 cups sifted all-purpose flour
  • 1 teaspoon baking soda
  • ½ teaspoon salt
  • ½ cup unsweetened cocoa powder
  •  cup ounces unsalted butter (1 1/3 sticks) (Softened but not melted)
  • 1 teaspoon real vanilla extract
  • 1 1/4 cups granulated sugar
  • 1/4 cup brown sugar
  • 3 eggs
  • 1 cup milk

Optional: Dark Chocolate 60% bar, broken up and stuck in middle of cupcake prior to baking.

This recipe works well halfed if you only need 10-11 cupcakes.

Milk alternative: Just under 1 cup of coconut milk with 1 Tbsp of Heavy Cream.

Buttercream Ingredients:

  • 1 cup unsalted butter (softened….DO NOT MELT)
  • 1/2 tsp salt
  • 4 1/4 cups powdered sugar ( can add another 1/2 cup if needed for thicker but be careful)
  • 1 tsp Pure Vanilla
  • 1 tsp Pure Almond
  • 4 tbsp Heavy Cream

Preheat Oven to 350, line Cupcake pans with cupcake liners.

Cupcakes:

In a medium bowl sift (Or very quickly wisk) together flour, baking soda, salt, cocoa powder. Set aside. Using a stand mixer with paddle attachment or a hand mixer, cream the butter so it’s soft and fluffy. After butter is creamed, add sugar and vanilla extract. Add eggs one at a time, mixing until smooth before adding the next.

On low speed, add in dry mixture and milk, alternating between the two, 1/4 cup at a time. Do not over mix the batter (it will make the cupcakes tough).

Scoop roughly 1/4 cup of batter into each cupcake liner. Should be about 2/3 full, you do not want to overfill cupcake liners. Bake for 20 minutes, check cupcakes by putting toothpick/thin wooden skewer through middle to test if dough is fully cooked. If still gooey, add two minutes and check again.

Once cupcakes are finished, let cool for 3 minutes in pan, then remove and place on (cookie or other) cooling rack to allow them to cool all the way through. DO NOT frost cupcakes while warm, frosting will melt, and cupcakes will not look as professional.

Optional: Before baking, add small finger tip sized chunk of dark chocolate into middle of cupcake if desired.

Buttercream:

While cupcakes are baking get out ingredients for buttercream.

With paddle attachment cream unsalted butter in stand mixer/ with hand mixer, cream until soft and fluffy and almost white (2-3 minutes). Add 1/2 tsp of salt and cream butter for another minute. Add Confections sugar 1 cup at a time, cream, add in heavy cream alternated between sugar. Once mixed, add in Almond and Vanilla flavorings.

When ready to frost, spoon frosting into a piping bag, I prefer using a larger circular piping tip, but feel free to choose your desired look. Twist end of piping bag for increased control, frost in circular pattern moving just quick enough to not leave clumps.

Top with sprinkles if desired or leave plain.

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It’s Official, Jk…

First, I’d like to formally apologize for how absolutely shit I’ve been about writing on my blog.

Life got busy etc etc. Nah, I was caught up in my little relationship and lowkey didn’t want a new man I was legitimately interested in reading my inner most thoughts or hearing embarrassing dating stories from my past. Well this is no longer an issue considering ya girl is back on the market. Single as a Nun on valentines day……. Yay me! (that was sarcasm).

So lets circle back to my incredibly interesting new development. Getting dumped.

I’m going to blow this whole thing out of proportion due to me, and my current state of loneliness. Mainly, me having to deal with the fact that I no longer get regular sex, but first, can I just say, I’m so proud of myself for not backsliding and having sex with my (now) ex when I got lonely after the break up. **Cue the applause**.

That’s growth ladies and gents.

The story:

Me and my Zimbabwean man dated for cool 5ish months before he decided to call it quits. The main reason it took me 6 weeks to write this post is because I was legitimately gobsmacked. I did not see the break up coming, I was making reservations for Valentines day and trying to plan something fun for his birthday when he called me with the dreaded ” we need to talk, can I come over?”.  So there I am sitting on my couch, watching UK Love island, now feeling like I’m about to be “Mugged off”.

It’s like Midnight, and my man comes over. Now he’s telling me about how much I mean to him, but he needs to keep me in the loop because he doesn’t wanna lead me on. He’s telling me all about how his parents are planning on moving to Boston (where 1/2 of his twin sisters is currently in college), and he wants to move with and transfer law schools to be close to them, and “Have more opportunities” than the current big law school he is in. When I ask him when it’s all happening, he tells me…..

Now please, I’m about to lose you here, so pay attention.

He says ” Probably soon, like March…” (This was in mid December he is telling me this.) Then he hits me with a “I know we’ve talked about it before and you don’t like long distance so I understand if this is where we end things.”. Now in my head I’m mulling this information over like, okay

1. You have to get accepted into that much higher caliber law school for this to be remotely legit.

2. This is like 4 months away…

3. You said your parents are wanting to, NOT have decided and found new jobs/planned to move across the country.

4. By the end of this conversation you’re also telling me you love me, and you want me to know this doesn’t change the way you feel about me and that you don’t wanna lose me.

So in my head I’m thinking, oh yeah okay so like 50/50 shot this move actually happens at least we have a few months to figure it out. But nah, guess again BIG BOY! We hash things out, cuddle some, couples days later he hits me AGAIN with the “Can I come over, we need to talk”. This time, Miss Kiara is not so naive. I know chances are this is going to be a break up conversation judging by his tone of voice and that we’ve both been kinda struggling with the idea of even attempting a opposite side of the country long distance relationship. This time, when he comes over I’m prepared to have this conversation.

That night we officially ended things, we talked, I got emotional, he lowkey did not.. We left things on good terms, and to finish it off we had some goodbye sex…… Lol oops. We texted periodically for like a week, basic conversational stuff, it started to fizzle down. We had one last park/discovery village day with me, my kid who had absolutely loved him, and T, maybe he came over and we fooled a lil bit once final time, (I literally told you already I was not looking forward to no sex, don’t come at me Gina!) and that was essentially where we left things. Friendly, but not trying to pretend we can be platonic.

Reflection:

Looking back on our relationship these past few weeks after the breakup,I’ve definitely become more aware of some things. I really needed a good/healthy relationship. I wasn’t used to someone that acted like a partner, cleaning the dishes if i cooked, offering to do all these little things for me so I could relax, having someone that’s there to talk to, someone who gives me time and energy, doesn’t cancel on me or not give me enough attention. All things that I’m sad to say, I was experiencing as a new norm. I’ll also admit being with him made me realize things about myself, like being more attentive to other peoples needs, how important a man who loves his family and wants me to be a part of their life is (However, T was not that man). Since the relationship did end, i did realize I shouldn’t compromise the things i want (some of which he had, some of which he did not) just to be in a relationship. My entire life i haven’t really been 100% single, not flirting with an Ex, or always going on dates etc. I now advocate for that so strongly because i feel like once your out of a good relationship it makes you realize you don’t want to waste time talking/dating/fucking people you’re only half interested in.

So get some nookie from the smokingggggggg hot Jamaican when you get horny if that’s what you want, or satisfy yourself. Don’t go on dates with guys you know you’re not attracted to (mentally or physically), because it’s rude to lead them on. Do not settle for someone that is not making time for you/treating you like he’s trying to impress you everyday (as should you in return) because you don’t deserve anything less. When someones truly interested heavily, they show out. I know I do.

2020 for me is going to focus more on self love, putting energy into my hobbies and side hustles and just having fun without letting societal norms get in the way (Stay tuned for my next post).

I’m going to wrap this up by saying, Thank you T, it was truly a pleasure being with you, i wish you all the happiness, and on a side note, I know the breakup wasn’t soley about moving or else you would’ve done it in March, but none the less, Best of Luck.

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Mr. T, wrestling for my heart.

Hey guys, so on my little update post I casually mentioned a new man in my life. I’m not gonna expose him on here since it’s fresh and new, so i’ll refer to him as Mr. T. I’m gonna give ya’ll a little snapshot of the time between our first date, to now, living life, and being official. Like I changed my relationship status on Facebook for the first time in 3 1/2 years official.

All right ladies and gent, lets all form a circle and listen to me spill my secrets. I’ll start from the top. Here I was casually downloading Bumble again after a long hiatus from online dating (that’s a whole different post). I did this mostly as a joke because I got bored at my girls house and told her I was gonna get boo’d up so I could be the annoying couple friend. Alas, here I am and a few matches later one pops up from Mr. T who was cute, educated and looked less like a fuck boy. So we start chit chatting, and almost immediately he hits me with “I wanna take you out on a date, is Friday good?”. If you’re a female, you know how rare that is, not having to ask for/plan the date or even get an actual date and not an invitation to their house. ADD to that, he told me what time and where to be and the rest was all up to him, so I was reaaaaaady.

First Date: He took me to this Thai restaurant, which I never would have picked but was super good and we were laughing and bonding over mutual interests and mutual dislike (cough cough, current prez). Next he took me up to a view point and we just talked, soaked in the views, and basically made it known we were def having a second date. Then we decided to go bowling, so we did, and I whopped that assssssss. While bowling the last game we made a bet, that if he won, I would stay the night. Soooo, that game I slacked a bit, a girl was enjoying herself. So he won the last game, we headed to his place, hopped in the hot tub, and were just sharing music, hot and bothered and there was plenty of kissing.

When we were all hot and overly toasty, and he had adequately made fun of the fact that I could not see, and kept having to take my glasses off due to the steam of the hot tubs we decided to head upstairs. Granted it was about 2:30am at this time, so definitely a good idea. We ended the night with a little more kissing, cuddling and sleep. Yes I mean actual sleep. I resisted the urge to sleep with him even though ya girl was SOOOOOOOOOO horny I could’ve been a transplant donor to former Unicorns turned horses.

The next morning we woke up, and I had to scurry back up to where i lived an hour and a half away to pick up my daughter but we made out a little more, he walked me out to my car, and we’ve been happily dating now for about a month and a half.

Ya girl is SPRUNG. I feel like T-Pain right now cause he has me all in my feels, but wish me good luck and kisses and I’ll be bringing more juicy details later.

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I promise I’ll never leave you…… Again…

Hello all,

I am so terribly sorry I’ve been so MIA lately. A LOT has happened in my life in the past 2 months, so it’s been a whirlwind and I did not write much. I have settled a bit into my life more so now, so i will be getting back to writing and sharing with you guys all the juicy gossip, dating stories and relationship advice I possibly can. BUT, 1st and foremost, we must chit chat a bit to catch you all up on everything that has gone on since I’ve been gone.

  1. A good friend of mine passed away about a week before school was officially over. He had always been someone that was there for me when I needed help, or had a birthday, or a celebration, but we hadn’t been as close lately. Unfortunately he commmitted suicide and it crushed me. But he was a ray of light and I cried a ton, and then chose to push on, and not let it destroy me.
  2. I graduated college Yayyyyyy!!! On June 15th, 2019 I finished my Bachelors of Science in Psychology and had the pleasure of sitting in the sun for 4 hours, creating a bit of but sweat in the 85-90 degree heat. Good news, I only sun burned my knees though!
  3. I bought a house!! OMG right? A 20 year old single-mom buying her first home? Super crazy, I was so insanely excited and have since moved in and started some DIY projects I’ll share later. I got a roommate for 6 months-1 year to help decrease my monthly payment and so far so good!
  4. I now have a boyfriend. Pretty sure this is even crazier than the home buying thing. I’ve been single now for about 3 years, since my ex-boyfriend that I was madly in love with and held on to for those 3 years following which stopped me from letting anyone else in. But I met this great guy, who is a lot like me in a lot of ways but also very different. He asked me to be his girlfriend like old school style. So if I gawk over him for a while, bear with me.
  5. Last big update, I got accepted into my Masters of Marriage and Family Therapy Program I wanted, so I will be starting that in September. On the road to being your favorite Marriage/Divorce and Sex Therapist. (;

I will give more details on some of the updates I mentioned in the coming days, but for now I just hope you’ll accept me back in to your loving arms and soak up all the juicy tidbits I will be sharing soon.

Side Note: Apparently giving it up on the second weekend of dates does not harm your chances of getting commitment out of a guy. But take that with a grain of salt because both me and my boyfriend (lol i have a BF) tend to be exceptions to rules in life.

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Expiration dates

As we all know, when something goes bad in the fridge it starts to get moldy, gross, and becomes pungent. Failed relationships and long distance “relationships” are kind of like that old chia squeeze in your fridge, that had an expiration date of 2 months ago. You have been avoiding that deep clean for months, and now you need gloves and a mask to get it out without gagging.

I fall victim to putting off those deep cleans in my freezer and fridge. Those missed ingredients of the “healthy” crash diet I started, and failed 2 days in. They sit and expire in the back of my fridge for weeks, every once and a blue moon.

Recently I officially ended a long term “on again, off again” love affair with an ex-boyfriend (I’ll call him R.) from 3 years ago. Looking back now I know it had been past the expiration date for quite a while. I was so determined to not have my time have been a waste, or I kept assuming he would fix certain pet peeves and lack of effort, but it never changed. Alas, when R. informed me he would never co-parent with my childs father, and would avoid even having an introduction, that was the final straw. As all mothers, especially single moms know, our children are our utmost priority. I expect my future husband cheering along side me, AND her biological dad at her soccer games, ballet recitals, birthdays, holidays etc. Families are so vitally important, and your child should never have to ask why their daddy’s don’t like each other, or why they’re not both at her daddy daughter dance.

Even though this was the big deal breaker for me,over the years we were having multiple arguments, little blow ups over minimal and more serious issues. We had not been in the same state as each other for 3 years. I had met him my first year of college. When we broke up the first time, I slept with an old guy friend one afternoon and accidently got pregnant. That mistake turned into a lifelong bestfriend/daughter. Me and R. had stayed in touch because it was unclear if it was his child, or my friends due to the timeline of the break up.

Fast forward to my daughter not being his biologically, now we’ve been talking those what if’s for 9 months, and are pretty attached to the idea of each other, regardless of paternity. So we go on for another 2 1/2 years texting, occasionally calling, I fly out to Hawaii to see him once, a year after I had left. The very first day after bringing e to my Air BnB, we get into an argument and he decides not to see me for the rest of my trip. So we spend some time not talking and get back in touch and play this “Love me, Love me not” game all the way up until now. I genuinely belive the man loved me, and I loved him, and will always hold this place in my heart for him. However, I knew the spark had died months after I left the Island. With the spark, had left the efforts R. made, and the things that eventually started being warning signs of an expiration date. Which brings me to my little list of things to watch for in a difficult on and off relationship. Consider this my how-to know when to do a deep clean and move on to the things that bring you joy instead of frustration and an odd stench that lingers.

Expired Lover Symptoms and Signs:

-Not willing to visit you, or coordinate you visiting them

-You try to send them a gift for their birthday and they shrug it off and never give you their address

-Says he doesn’t like FaceTime or calling (He may do it occasionally to satisfy your nagging but at the end of the day you see your Gyno more often than him)

-You offer to move after your gradutation but situations keep arising that would prevent it on his end (Again, can be legit, but if he’s not actively talking with you to rectify them it’s a warnign sign)

-Instead of listening to your frustrations about communication, the distance and your worries, he turns them around on you and tells you you’re acting crazy. Or he says he will work on it, and goes back to sometimes not texting for 3 days at a time.

-When you guys do talk, it’s at night, and usually the conversation, catch up on your day, small talk and interesting conversations get shorter, and requests for sexting and other things get more frequent and more dominating of any contact you guys have.

The biggest sign things are not going to work:

-Ya’ll are adults and neither of you have made the initiative or time to see each other (againt it even that one time was for a couple hours) in person in TWO YEARSSSSS. Or be “personal” in Three.

Moral of the story, Kiara was a little dumb-dumb blinded by fantastically sculpted Jamaican genes. Honestly, I was so caught up in how amazing he made me feel, and the effort he put in when we were both living in Hawaii. I kept convincing myself things would’nt be an issue once we were close again.

So if things don’t feel right anymore, you’re arguing more than you’re laughing together, or the time that you do spend together is rushed and turning into that one sophmore year fuck buddy you had, you need to re-evaluate. I’m sorry, but that relationship has expired.It is fucking difficult deciding to leave something that has been a warm blanket over your lonliness for so long. You deserve better. That goes for men and women alike. When you’re with the right person things just fall into place. Love flows, effort is effortless and you want to make those big moves, and big gestures, and long conversations. All of my married friends and family members are married to their best friends. They find their connection effortless. That’s not to say their relationships don’t take work to maintain, but the core of what they are together is easy, you fit that person like a puzzle piece. It has the same general design but individual differences that compliment each other.

Have you ever been in a relationship where you should’ve let go earlier? Any warning signs you overlooked, and look back on now?

Let me know in the comments!

Quick Lemon/Lime Pepper Chicken

In these difficult times stuck in the house and restaurants closed I have had to get more creative with easy meals in order to not continue spending $100 every 2 weeks in take out. My vice has always been food, i love food, i overspend on food and home goods. So I’ve definitely made more excuses this past week and a half on “quarantine”, that since my job is essential and I’m still very much employed i need to “support local” but in essence I’m just being a lazy fat ass eating my enchiladas more than usual. This considered, I have been forcing myself to cook more dinners/prep my lunches with easy but yummy recipes. This recipe only takes about 10 minutes to make and has simple ingredients you likely already have at home. I personally prepare it with some brown rice as a side.

This recipe is also amazing as a protein add in for spinach salads as well, and even as a spicing for Chicken Caesar salads (cut the juices by a half)

Feel free to double this recipe, I make a little less as my toddler is the pickiest eater and I live alone.

Ingredients:

1/2 package chicken tenders (usually around .5lb)

1/2 Tbsp olive oil

1 Tbsp Lime Juice

1/2 Tbsp lemon juice

1 and 1/2 tsp Black pepper

1/2 tsp salt

1/2 tsp parsley

1/3 cup red peppers chopped

Instructions:

Quick note; if making rice, try to time it so you start cooking the chicken 10 minutes before rice is done so they finish about the same time.

Start by pulling out juices/spices. Chop pepper, should be around 1/2 the bell pepper. Mix together spices in a small bowl so you can add all at once.

Heat pan on stove to medium/little over medium heat. drop in 1/2 tbsp olive oil, let heat for 30 seconds or so. Drop in Chicken, and lime juice/lemon juice (watch for popping as olive oil will react to the juices), add in spices trying to sprinkle them evenly over chicken tenders. Let cook for 1 minute, then flip chicken and add in red peppers.

Let chicken cook until starting to turn golden brown/crisp a little on the outside, keep flipping chicken so they cook evenly. Remove chicken and serve over buttered rice.

You can also brush a little fresh lime juice right over the chicken strips as you remove them from the pan, this will add an extra kick of the tangy lime juices.

Enjoy. (: